There is life Before Therapy and life after Therapy: that’s pretty obvious.
I knew that.
Except I didn’t know what life after therapy would be really like.
Before my battle with depression and anxiety, life was full of statements .I’m going to take a walk .I’ll eat this .I’ll take that solo train ride to Mutare (are trains faster in Harare?) .Easy .Simple
After therapy, I began to anticipate when the other shoe would drop. The other shoe finally dropped today (it wasn’t a sandal, I promise!). I have been struggling for some time, but I’m finally coming around to admitting that Depression and Anxiety are a lifelong carry-around luggage that I have to get rid of slowly and carefully before I burn out and carry more than I can handle.
My glass castle caved in today and it was like that random sale that seemly creeps up on you when your pockets are empty and full of tissue paper (flu season !?) .I didn’t see him coming and you would think I would be prepared for him (after all I have met him before ) but I wasn’t . I had the 14th panic attack of 2018 and I couldn’t deal with him.
You see, my demon enjoyed calling and taunting me at every turn coz they could .They got a natural high from calling me that I stopped enjoying singing along to ringtones or answering calls. This particular demon would call every day and mess up my mind that I had to go for therapy .I never recovered and strange numbers that enjoy calling me and not saying anything give me nightmares .
I seriously think one of my friends thought it would be a nice Wednesday joke to give a random person my number –I wasn’t laughing. He creeped me out and scared me out of my mind-my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest and I just stood there and cried. Panic attacks are like getting the stomach works after spicy foods .Except instead of knowing that beforehand ,you find yourself throwing up a volcano in a public place when you could have ate it at home where you can hit the number 2 at anytime .
I have been seeing this counselor for a while now .She is an amazing woman and has helped me control some of my attacks and a little of my anxiety .I am fighting my demons every day and wish there was Thor’s hammer somewhere to help kick this guy out of my life. I do believe that slow and steady will do the trick -one day at a time