Two years ago when I decided to geek out and share my love of books with the world I did not expect the tears ,the sweat and the imposter syndrome that would follow this Bookworm with over 500 subscribers and over a 1000 followers .
At the beginning I was just a girl who read a book, reviewed it and recommended it and then instead of stepping into Narnia I stepped into a dark pit. The thing about the like button is that once the numbers start increasing you start wanting to churn out more content faster than necessary.
I watched the likes increase and the comparison start to take root. I kept asking my poor little sister why I wasn’t as well liked because if I was I would have had 10,000 followers by now ,why my pictures on Instagram looked like they were taken in the dark and why nobody remembered me when they talked of book influencers.
I wasn’t just Anci the girl that read anymore but rather the Anci that wanted to read ,be liked and awarded for being a reader. In a world full of incredible bookstagrammers ,book bloggers and readers I was just a girl that wanted to be memorable. I went into a dark pit of anxiety and sadness because I wasn’t getting the recognition I thought I deserved .
I wasn’t rated and instead of being okay about how faithful my readers were regardless that I got a like or two I wanted the 100s. I began to rain down on my personality with feelings of I am not likeable ,I am not funny enough,I am not loved and I am forgettable. I forgot that I was enough as I was and I just needed to keep being myself and those that love me would bask in my rays.
I remember I almost deleted my blog because a certain blogger did not mention me in a list of incredible book influencers. Seconds away from deleting the canvas God gave me to share with the world why I shared my books with the world I was reminded of my why. The why I do it was stronger than the why that would not accept the person I was .
In case you are feeling like what you share with the world doesn’t matter , doesn’t count in this long ride and doesn’t get appreciated remember that there is someone out there gazing with admiration at what and who you are. Remember comparison will always steal your hairline if you allow it.